never to touch and never to keep
by thistableforone
Summary: "She swallows, knowing that her words sounded too heavy for this place - Lena is just looking at her, biting the inside of her cheek, staring back with a pained expression that almost says I'm sorry. She never felt as inappropriate as she does in this moment." Lena is getting married. To James.


I started to think about this plot /and/ the song (let her go by passenger) and couldn't help it...

Also, English is not my first language, please excuse my mistakes.

* * *

**never to touch and never to keep**

They say when you love someone you let them go.

They say you _only _love someone if you let them go.

Kara sing-songs the rest of the lyrics as she tucks the shirt inside her pants. It fits perfectly and doesn't obstruct her movements in any way. The navy-blue of the trousers really makes her eyes shine and the matching vest stands out against the whiteness of the shirt.

She's comfortable. These are her clothes, her style, the elegance of the pieces just make her feel more beautiful for once. She smiles at the person in the mirror and exhales.

_You only need the light when it's burning low._

There are two beautiful, bright earrings peeking from behind her locks and she strokes them subconsciously for a moment, gaze losing focus of the woman she was glancing at. She likes the way they dance every time she moves her head, a light heaviness that reminds her they're there.

It would be easier if her self confidence matched her mood. She's mad that she doesn't hate the clothes someone else picked out for her, that the shirt isn't too tight and that she doesn't want to rip it off.

She lets go of the diamonds, arms falling to her sides to smooth out the lines of her pants. It would all be easier if she felt as bad as she hates to be here. She's not sure the earrings fit with the rest, but she can't take them out. _Can't_, maybe, is not the best word, but she needs them to go through this, she has to hold on to something.

She has to keep something for herself, however little and stupid.

Because maybe, just maybe, she can let go.

But she cannot forget.

* * *

By the time she knocks on the door her hands are already shaking.

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low._

She knows what she's going to find once she crosses the threshold, has spent days and weeks trying to imagine what she'll feel, but the view she's met with knocks the wind right out of her lungs nonetheless.

She has helped her choose the dress, trying it on multiple times, but it felt like playing dress-up more than anything. Now, though, Kara realizes the game has ended sometime when she wasn't paying attention and Lena is in front of her, breathtakingly beautiful in her wedding gown.

_Game over_, she thinks.

Despite the desire to say anything, anything to greet her and make it friendly and natural, she can't help but zoom in on her bust, the way it constricts her chest and her stomach looks borderline painful. Lena is smiling at her but she's afraid she'll see her faint any moment, she just wants to ease it off her and let her breathe.

Why would she choose this sleeveless dress? For the neckline, that hangs low and shows off her chest? For the lace of the skirt? Does she even really like it?

So Kara stays silent, dumbly staring at the dress, wondering if it's the one that Lena dreamt of as a child. It fits for the CEO that she is, but not for the person that hides underneath it that Kara knows.

"You look beautiful."

She didn't say that, did she? It was Lena, and she's sure of it once she looks up and meets her eyes. _You look out of place_, she wants to say, but it's just her heart speaking and it would be too egotistical to say.

All in all, it's the place Lena decided to be in herself.

"That's my line," Kara replies instead, tilting her head and smiling. "But thank you, for picking suits. It does feel great."

"Of course. I know Alex doesn't feel comfortable in dresses, and you avoid them as well when you can."

She glances down at her slacks, a small smile gracing her lips. It's true, and she was wonderful enough to notice and remember it. When she looks up again, she forgets about the dress altogether and all she can see are her eyes, crystal clear and bright in the sunlight; the loose, short locks of hair, free from the chignon, that frame her face in the perfect way; the naturally crimson lips, a little swollen, and Kara wonders: _from the biting?_

"You're beautiful," she finds herself echoing. Her voice sounds shy as she says it, but the truth is she's dying inside and she just wants to say it louder and closer and again.

She swallows, knowing that her words sounded too heavy for this place - Lena is just looking at her, biting the inside of her cheek, staring back with a pained expression that almost says _I'm sorry_.

She never felt as inappropriate as she does in this moment.

Why is she here anyway? Why is Lena making her go through this?

"Shouldn't you…" she tries, clearing her throat. "Shouldn't there be people around you? For, like, the hair, the make-up?"

Lena watches her silently for a moment, looking like she knows what Kara is doing. She hums then, turning to look at herself in the mirror.

"Yes, I asked to be left alone for a bit."

She fixes her skirt, smoothing it out, and Kara doesn't know if that's a hint to leave her alone. It's normal to need a moment for yourself at your wedding, right? Of course, of course it is. And so what if Kara feels like it's not?

"Oh," she says, turning to look at the door behind her for a moment. "Then I should probably go."

She's ashamed to admit that a part of her really wants to go, to flee the room even though her best friend is in it looking as beautiful as ever. _Let me go_, she thinks.

But Lena's head turns sharply and she has no such luck.

"No," Lena replies, her dress racked up in her hands as she comes closer. "Not you. Stay, please."

She holds out her hand, asking Kara to grasp it, begging with her eyes almost. She eases the desperation with an encouraging smile, and Kara gives up.

Now she's standing in front of the bride, with a hand in her pocket and the other in hers. She still wants to free her from the dress.

Lena gives her hand a squeeze, but to Kara it feels like she's clenching her heart instead, trying to draw blood. Someone _can_ make her bleed after all. She flinches away from the touch and the reaction is so foreign for her that she shivers in shame.

What is happening to her?

_Maybe one day you'll understand why everything you touch surely dies_.

* * *

"They don't match."

_You should get ready_, she wants to say. She also tastes the words on her tongue, but for some reason she doesn't talk. Lena is still trying to make conversation, and it's an admission of guilt. She knows that Kara is not happy and she knows that she's the reason.

Whether she realizes it, Kara is not sure.

"The earrings," she clarifies, gesturing towards her ears when Kara turns her head and furrows her brows. "They don't match, why are you wearing them?"

Kara bites the inside of her cheek, her eyes roaming Lena's face; somehow the clarity of her irises and innocence of her hinted smile make her blood boil with repressed anger. She could answer that she's wearing them because they were her gift, because she's desperate and a fool, but she ditches instead.

"Why are my favorite flowers at your wedding?"

Kara keeps her eyes tracked on hers as Lena turns her head to the bed, her bouchet resting on the comforter waiting for her. "It felt right," she shrugs. "I wanted something of you."

"People plan their wedding thinking of their best friend?"

The bile colors her words red and they hit exactly where she wanted them to; when she sees the surprise on Lena's face, she doesn't regret them. Any real emotion is more welcome than this fake peacefulness. Lena doesn't answer, and there's a mixture of hurt and uncertainty and blame in the way she's watching her. _How dare you_, she seems to say.

"You know," Kara continues. "I keep asking myself something."

She turns her body fully towards her, and crosses her arms over her chest. Her voice is calmer, but the undertones are the same as before - she doesn't think she can manage anything else at the moment.

"I keep wondering if you think about that night as frequently as I do," she continues. "You remember. I know you do."

Lena blinks at her, right before snorting at her words. She shakes her head and turns it to the side, getting lost in the whiteness of the sheets.

"But for some reason you act like you don't," she whispers this time.

"We were drunk," Lena replies, turning to look at her. As if that made her words less true.

"And still I remember every single second of it. When I fell asleep right after telling you I loved you and even when you said we would have talked in the morning," she continues, holding her gaze. "But you weren't there anymore when I woke up and a couple of days later you tell me you're getting married."

Lena keeps her expression blank and stares with her chin held high and her mouth closed. Kara's been so good at keeping her words for herself that now that she's started talking she can't stop. She just wish she had found a way to let them out before, when Lena wasn't in her wedding dress. Hell, when she wasn't with James to begin with.

"So I get the message, you're not interested, maybe you also have pity of me, and I let it go and don't make a fool of myself another time," she continues. "But then you ask me to help you with the wedding, you make me go through all this knowing how much it would hurt me-"

"No," Lena finally interrupts, shaking her head and uncrossing her arms. "That was never the reason, I didn't mean to."

"No? But it did." Kara deflates, tired, and she's almost sure her eyes are begging Lena. For what, she's not sure. "It was my fault, too, though. I should have said no. But every time there was always a bit of hope that you would change your mind, and I chased it."

Kara breathes out. She expects something, _anything_, but it doesn't come. She shakes her head at Lena, at her muteness, feeling her legs start to weaken now that the anger leaves her spent. She distances herself and sits on the mattress, elbows on each thigh and head covered with her hands.

Is there anything she can say to draw a reaction out of her? She deserves a _no_ told in her face, Lena owes it to her.

"I've gone through all the preparation of your wedding and it hurts but I'm here because you're my best friend, but…" she trails off. She raises her head, keeping it up on one palm and looking at Lena's back. "But can you at least tell me no looking at me in the eyes?"

Why is Lena making her talk to her back? She never ditches away from conversations, no matter how hard they are, so why this time? Kara's not sure if what she feels is anger or resignation or stupor anymore. She's tired, that's for certain, and she only wants this day to end.

"Tell me," she insists. "So I can work on accepting it."

She sees, she thinks, a small tremor in Lena's bare shoulders. It looks like a shiver at first, but it doesn't run down her back and it lasts too long. God, is she…? Crying?

Kara's on her feet before she realizes it. She can't help it, no matter how angry she is, no matter if Lena doesn't deserve it (she does), she'll try to ease her pain.

It's out of her control: her sobs, her tears are beyond unbearable for her. She doesn't regret what she said, she deserves an answer this time, but it takes a lot not to say _sorry_ nonetheless.

Can she touch her? She doesn't know what to do. Lena breaks the silence before Kara can decide.

"But Kara," Lena whispers, voice wet with tears, muffled. "How can I do that?"

When she finally turns, her eyes are bloodshot and her mouth kept silent by her fingers' pressure. The image breaks Kara's heart all over again and all she can think about is the mascara that could run down her cheeks any moment and the total uselessness of the blush.

"How can I look at you and in all honesty say that I don't love you?"

Lena is looking steadily at her now, so much her red eyes don't even weaver, and her fingers suddenly travel from her lips to Kara's. She's too dumbfounded to even move.

"That I don't remember, that I wish you never said anything?" she continues. Kara lets her caress, lets her thumbs draw patterns over the corners of her mouth. With what courage could she stop her?

"Why then?"

The little movement of her lips make Lena's eyes snap down. Kara mirrors her and she feels her fingertips twitch against her skin.

"Because I had long accepted that you would never feel the same way," Lena admits, voice small even compared to the silence. "Your confession is all I had wanted to hear for so long, it makes me dizzy."

Kara watches every word shape Lena's mouth and tumble out but the meaning of them all together is lost in the chaos of her mind.

"So much I forget about James, I forget that i should talk to him. Until he's on his knees proposing to spend the rest of our lives together with his eyes shining, looking at me like I'm a miracle, and he's good and attentive, right? And I've waited so long not to feel alone I say yes."

She's rambling. Out of character and out of breath, she's desperate and grows more and more with each syllable.

"It's all too big then," she slows, inhaling. "I'm rolling with the tide and don't have the strength to stop it."

Her fingers slip down to Kara's arms, anchoring there, and Lena rests her forehead on her shoulder, defeated, exhausted.

"It's too late."

* * *

Even with all her willpower, Kara can't find it in her to stay still. When Lena's front presses close to hers in search of comfort, her arms slide around her to give it to her.

_You loved her too much and you dived too deep._

A hand on her back keeps her close, palm pressing against the hard ridges of the dress; the other strokes the skin at the base of her nude neck, careful not to ruin her chignon.

_What are you doing, what are we doing?_

Kara mentally slams her head against a wall chanting curses to herself. She said she feels the same way, didn't she? So why is it so complicated?

"Lena," she finds the voice to whisper, mouth close to her ear. "I can't watch you get married."

Lena doesn't move, but Kara hears her sigh against her chest. "I know."

When she raises her head to look at her, longing and fondness bloom anew in Kara's chest. She doesn't know what Lena is asking her, if she's supposed to leave or stay, but she can feel her think, searching for something on her face.

Her nerves are tense and now that she knows Lena's feelings she's not sure she can ask for anything more. She could walk away from her and Kara wouldn't blame her all in all. She should have realized sooner, not drop it all on her after telling her to give James a chance.

Kara was the one to put them together to begin with.

Lena brings her back to the present with a slow stroke of her thumb on her cheek.

"Can you kiss me?"

The phrasing of the request sounds like a cry for help –_ kiss me, I can't do it alone_. Kara knows that it's not fair of Lena to ask her this when she's going to break her heart again, when James is waiting for her on the other side of the mansion, when she just told her she can't stand the thought of her marrying someone else.

Kara leans down, takes her face in her hands and kisses her anyway. She can feel the tears burn behind her eyelids as their lips press together. It's almost instantaneous, her skin tingling as Lena sighs into her mouth; the breathy noise melts her and make her heart ache. How can she give her this just to leave her without it? The despair creeping in her mind makes Kara want to kiss her harder, to accept the invitation of Lena's lips parting against hers. If this is the only time she's allowed to kiss her… if she won't be able to stop anymore…

Their mouths pop apart before she can decide; they breathe with their forehead touching and Kara keeps her eyes shut to stay in the bliss just a second longer. So when Lena's hands slip from her shoulders, Kara doesn't see where they go and it's just when Lena talks that she blinks her eyes open.

"Take it off," she says, leaning back just enough to move without bumping into her.

Kara looks down and frowns when she sees Lena's arms disappear behind her own back. She's not looking up, she only blindly fumbles with something, grumbling when she can't succeed. Kara is about to ask what she's doing when Lena sharply turns her back to her.

"Kara, take it off," she basically commands. A series of strings ending in a bow keep the bust together and stare at Kara. Her hands reach for the endings immediately, without checking if Lena's sure. She pulls the strings out of the eyelet rings, dress loosening around Lena's stomach as she does. Breathing seems to be easier for her as well now.

Kara gathers the string in her hands and Lena pulls the sides until the dress goes past her hips, down until it's pooling at her feet. The long line of her back is in display for Kara, only a pair of lace panties covering her - but Kara's mind doesn't even go there, she's too astounded by Lena's newfound resolution in the way she moves to notice. She walks away from the puddle on the carpet, leaving Kara to pick it up.

Lena's tugging a pair of black pants up her legs when someone knocks. Kara looks up from the dress she just laid on the bed, turns to Lena to see if she should open and finds her still half bare, turning a shirt inside out. Her eyes are focused on her blank face, but the blurred curves of her body are still in her field of view, soft and marble-like.

"Lena," the voice calls from outside. "It's Alex."

Lena tells her to come in as soon as the shirt is in place. When Alex walks in and sees Lena slip on a pair of heels, definitely not wearing what she should, and when she turns and sees the dress abandoned on the comforter and finds her sister's eyes, she halts to a stop in the middle of the room.

Her first instinct is to ask, but the truth is she really doesn't need to. She knows everything already, it's obvious in the way Kara is fidgeting under her gaze, playing with the strands in her hands; it's in the tension filling the room that makes the air hard to breathe, heavy with uncertainty. Kara shrugs, looking small and still out of place. They all know what is going to happen, and although it's the best turn of event for Kara, it's still vile and still makes her skin crawl.

"I'm going to do something reckless," Lena says, breaking the silence as she looks up at Alex and starts to loosen her hairdo. "James is going to hate me. Maybe he won't be the only one."

Alex shakes her head, trying to ease the worry with a smile. "I don't think he will."

She knows Lena is barely listening when she doesn't even dismiss her answer; she just turns to them and finds Kara's eyes for the first time since they kissed. Lena exhales, looking as if she wanted to throw herself in Kara's arms. Her sister smiles at Lena, a bit weakly, and takes her hand. So this is what third wheeling feels like.

Alex glances at both of them repeatedly, a smile gracing her lips besides her best efforts.

"Alright," Alex says, making their heads turn towards her. "Come here."

She opens her arms wide enough for both of them and Kara accepts the hug immediately, her free arm resting around her back. Lena needs a few seconds more, but she joins then, relaxing against Alex. She's not very tactile, per se, but she can't help but feel like the big sister of Lena as well: all of Kara's protection for her must have had an effect on her as well.

She rubs their backs with her hands. "Everything will be okay," she says. "You can do it."

When the embrace loosens, they both nod at her. Kara and Lena still have their hands linked, and something in that unwavering hold makes Alex feel very, very proud of them both.

"You're worth it," Lena says, turning to Kara. "Wait for me."

With that, she's out of the room.

* * *

Lena's so concentrated on the things she has to say, she doesn't even remember to knock on James' door. Her heart is hammering too hard in her chest to feel anything else, so she walks in unannounced, heels clicking and mind working.

It takes just a moment to register what she's seeing. James is standing in the middle of the room, in his beautiful, black suit, and Winn has his arms around him, a cheek on his chest and his eyes shut. James is caressing his head looking down at him. She can't know if they've been crying, but the familiarity of the scene doesn't get past her.

Their eyes snap to her after a fraction of second and they gasp, breaking the embrace immediately. Yes, she's sure their eyes are glossy.

Alex was right. Maybe he won't hate her after all.


End file.
